Currently, i am doing my best to find joy out of the things that make me happy; these things may appear small or insignificant to many, but they are things that keep my brain from going to undesired places- photographs of hands, a peanut in the mouth of the bluejay i saw yesterday; cats… Anything with cats.

And of course, playing music. Sometimes though, your brain is in another space as you are trying to play, and you just cannot seem to get anything right. This post is about one of those days.

If you’re new to this blog, welcome! One thing you must know is that every post i make is about a journey, and not every one is going to be perfect. i am far from the greatest musician, and i make a lot of mistakes; but playing music is definitely one of my ‘happy places’.

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It is amazing that we are at 35 posts, regarding this journey i’ve taken in learning (and playing) Metallica songs to the best of my ability. There are players far superior than me in general (so really, an extra thank you for taking time out of your day and checking out this site)- and despite whatever criticism he gets, Lars Ulrich’s style is not as easy as people think it is. You may be able to ‘play the part’, but he has a particular accent in the drummer’s language that isn’t easy to imitate. While not the most complex, he is one of the most musical drummers i’ve heard, not unlike many a jazz drummer (which i’ve mentioned several times on this site). i think one of the reasons why Metallica is so connective as a band, is because so much of what they do is based around percussion and rhythm. As much as i love Kirk Hammett’s solos and leads (as well as his rhythm work, which he doesn’t get enough credit for), it wasn’t until i began playing their songs on the drums, when i really began to listen to what James Hetfield (as the rhythm guitarist) was actually doing…. because i ended up playing to what he was doing, both on the guitar and vocals. As his style is very percussive, it has been very helpful.

While he is my greatest musical inspiration (and while there are a few cues i use), i don’t particularly play like Lars. i don’t think the point should be to play like him. The more i make these posts though, the more i appreciate why Lars does what he does.

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A few days before this post (December 3) i received notification reminding me that i saw Metallica 32 years ago, in Buffalo, New York. It was the first leg of the Wherever We May Roam tour; i had just turned 15, my favorite song in the whole world at the time was ‘Battery’, and my favorite album was Master Of Puppets. While i very clearly remember some things that occurred at that concert and throughout the night; a lot of it has become a blur to my 47-year old brain. One thing i do remember is the scream i let out when ‘Battery’ came on during one of the three encores. i could have exploded of happiness the moment i heard that opening riff, but i guess i would have missed the song if that happened.

In commemoration of the excitement i felt at that moment 32 years ago- marking it as one of the first ever concerts i’ve been to as well- i decided to play ‘Battery’ on the TAMAs. It’s honestly one of my favorite songs to play on the drums. It’s also got my favorite ever Lars Ulrich fill of all time, which he does variations of several times in the song.

The posts i do are inspired by the songs i am emotionally connected to at the moment, and vice versa.

Within the past week i was listening to ‘Chasing Light’, and i began to cry. i had a similar emotional connection to it upon first hearing it at the theatrical world premiere. It particularly resonated with me this week, because i’ve been struggling internally in ways that aren’t easy to discern right now. Living with depression is much easier when you can trace a particular source of the episode, because you are better able to manage it.

Like many of their songs, this one also can have various interpretations, depending on the listener. For me, it reads doubly as a message regarding both the material and immaterial. It works as a gospel song (for those who turn to a higher power (whether they are called God, Allah, Yahweh, etc.), or the wisdom of the ancestors for guidance). It also works under the utilization of music as a tool and force for healing. i see it as a sibling song to ‘Lux Æterna’ in a way.

In the material sense, i see it as James Hetfield being a little less internal with his writing; it is a little connection in understanding that there have been so many alongside his own journey who have also struggled just as he has, whether they be friends, acquaintances or appreciators of his art. If he can’t speak to everyone personally, ‘Chasing Light’ is his message of encouragement during those troubling times.

Chase that light, lean on me
Face that fight, lean on me
Catch your fall, lean on me
End it all, lean on me
Struggle on, ’cause without darkness
Without darkness, there’s no light

i also see ‘Chasing Light’ as an unspoken number 4 in the ‘Unforgiven’ series.

Ooh, lost his way through wicked streets
But he is someone’s little boy
Oh, all the love a young one needs
Thoughtless elders have destroyed

It is destroyed
He’s just a boy

Healing from trauma (whether child or adult-oriented) is a lifetime of work. No one should ever do it alone.

This song is a perfect example of how percussive James’ playing is. There are things in this song (which was co-written by Kirk) that were accented; while Lars played it pretty straight on some parts, i followed the guitars.

While this song resonates with me on a spiritual and emotional level, my brain somehow did not receive the message. Whenever i’d press record, something would go wrong: there was the time i recorded a pretty decent take on video but forgot to record the drums; the end of the video cut out at the end (like you see in the video below); i played the song over and over and could not seem to get it right- but of course when the record button was off it was better. It’s just another chapter in the book called my life. It could be a case of the universe not wanting me to do the song, no matter how helpful the song is to me in this time.

i cannot tell you. i decided to post this anyway, even with all the glaring mistakes. Because this is a journey. An imperfect journey with an imperfect body. A body with a currently aching back, one leg and a weak remaining foot with edema that plays the kick drum. In the darkness of my brain, there is light in the music.

Without darkness, there’s no light.