Even though i’ve written songs over the years (and continue to), i never exactly focused on the construction of a song in the ways i do now. Doing these challenges has given me a bigger insight into it all. It has also led me to think even more how one doesn’t have to know how to play music in order to critique it; however, i think the critique would most likely look a whole lot different if they did. It’s not easy to construct a song, and while i don’t think it’s necessary to like every song on the planet i am beginning to have a bit more general kindness for people who take the time to do it.

i am not playing these songs in the ‘traditional’ way they tend to be covered (not only because i’m an amputee, but i’m also not that great in comparison to those who play this music), but doing this really has given me a much bigger appreciation for Metallica’s music- and music in general. Eight months ago, if you told me i’d be playing ‘Blackened’ i would have laughed at you.

Is it better to play it in your own way (making lots of mistakes along the way) and find your groove until you finally hit a point where it feels right; or is it better to complain that you aren’t getting it ‘right’, and not play at all? For someone who’s not that great at drumming (again, in comparison to the many who play to this type of music) to be on the 19th week of learning, practicing and covering Metallica songs… i’d say that is an accomplishment i’d never thought i would see.

i enjoy doing this every week; it’s incredibly healing, and it helps take my mind off of the more traumatic things happening in my life. Doing this is incredibly humbling. This was the first week though, where i’m really starting to just let go and truly embrace it all. i’m calculating it via ‘spiritual math’ (as Clint Wells of Metal Up Your Podcast tends to say) when i choose which songs i’m going to cover each week. Honestly, the songs choose me. The more i do this, there are songs i begin to connect with in ways i hadn’t before.

‘Am I Savage’ is one of those songs.

It’s actually one of my favorite songs in the Metallica catalog. That said, though (of course) i listened to it enough for it to be one of my favorites, i never LISTENED to it until doing it for this post. People focus on that amazing riff (you know which one i’m talking about), but really, it’s an incredibly haunting, moving song. On the surface it can be interpreted as another one of those ‘werewolf/maybe Ktulu’-type songs. On the musical tip, the opening riff reminds me of something Duane Denison would play, merged with the obvious Sabbath influence. Lyrically is where it hits a bit deep.

Say hello to junior dad
The greatest disappointment
Age withered him and changed him
Into junior dad
Psychic savagery

‘Junior Dad’.

This is exactly what i thought about when actually listening to ‘Am I Savage’. ‘Junior Dad’, the almost 20-minute final song on the much maligned Lulu, the collaboration the band made with Lou Reed. While the lyrics (inspired by German playwright Frank Wedekind’s ‘Lulu’ play cycle) had some questionable things on occasion, i love the music. That said, ‘Junior Dad’ is an incredibly moving piece, and it is one i return to.

In the piece, the narrator laments the fact that he sees his father- a man who despised him- in himself. ‘Am I Savage’, to me, holds a similar theme. The video accompanying the song involves a man becoming more and more distant from his family, coworkers and other surroundings… and eventually himself. Like much of the Metallica oeuvre, there are various songs- some veiled and some not so veiled- regarding familial relationships and addiction. Instead of the desired connection with nature of ‘Of Wolf And Man’ for instance, is the “savage… scratching at the door” the “dog at (the) back step” from ‘Low Man’s Lyric’?

Is the beauty the high, and the beast the withdrawal?

Inheritance, the past has bit again

James Hetfield has been very open about his father leaving at the age of 13, and his mother’s passing at 16. In the documentary Absent, he addressed the roots of his struggles with alcohol addiction, where he “masked feelings of abandonment.” He also spoke about utilizing particular tools of eschewing emotion, in order to deal with said abandonment, since everyone he loved tended to leave. It was an “easy way to not get close to anybody.”

I feel,
The ever changing, you, in me

You saw a little bit of the patterns in Some Kind Of Monster, where he describes celebrating his son’s first birthday in Russia, hunting bears and loading up on vodka for fuel. It got to the point where his wife made an ultimatum, a move Hetfield says saved his life.

He also acknowledges a particular “integrity” that comes with closing yourself off; however, he also says that “most of it is the shield.” On the vagueness of lyrics (despite them also being personal), he says that people are going to “relate to the struggle, and know that there’s someone out there helping speak about this.”

Beauty and the Beast are colliding

While i definitely do play instruments i don’t identify as a musician. It was only within the past few years where i identified as a writer, despite writing for decades. While that riff (yes, that riff) is one of their greatest, it’s the words i connect with the most here, having struggled with some of the same things- with an alcoholic mother, emotionally absent/narcissist stepfather, people dear to me leaving this earth, and closing myself off to people due to fear of rejection.

Transforming into the people you worked hard to escape is scary.

Speaking of words… the next song for this post has only been performed once (in London, UK (August 20, 1987) while ‘Am I Savage’ has been performed zero times (!!!)). ‘Crash Course In Brain Surgery’ stays faithful to the skeleton of the Budgie original, but of course it’s done in the Metallica way- it’s got twice the fills (where the OG only has about a couple), the singing got left out of the bridge (similar to ‘Breadfan’), and while Burke Shelley (who physically transitioned over the past year) does end the song with a few ‘Yeahs,’ it pales in comparison to what James does, which to me is second best only to ‘Fuel’ in all of the band’s catalog. The whole song is great (as is Budgie’s original) but sometimes i just replay that ‘Yeah Yeah… YEAH YEAH!’ over and over… and over.

‘Fight Fire With Fire’ (performed only 339 times- last on May 12, 2022 at Belo Horizonte, Brazil)) is absolute proof that i’m not a musician. i have absolutely no idea what i’m doing technically, but i did what felt decent (at least for now). The funny thing about all this is that when i isolated the drums i did, the way the song is SUPPOSED to be (on the up beat as opposed to the down beat) made more sense. i didn’t change the pattern at all, but when i was playing with the song (and when i would listen to all tracks) the drums would constantly mentally flip back and forth consistently. Despite me not switching patterns, flipping them in my head actually helped me get through the song. As anyone who reads this blog knows, i am a major fan of rhythmic illusions. So of course this is one of my favorites of the band. i am trying to imagine how a bunch of 21, 22-year olds sat and wrote a song like this. The song totally messes you up, structurally, trying to play it. It has to be one of two things: (a. Cliff Burton (who co-wrote the song (and was the primary influence of the intro) used his knowledge of music theory and composition to help craft the songs, or (b. the dudes (for the most part) ultimately had no idea what they were doing in terms of structure, and they were just going on adrenaline and did something until it sounded great.

i know that Lars’ long-time drum tech Flemming Larsen (who recently left this earth) did give him some drum lessons around this time. So perhaps that was a contribution to the construction of this song. However it happened, ‘Fight Fire With Fire’ is definitely one of the greatest album intros of all time.

And of course i can’t keep apologizing for doing no double bass on these tracks… I ONLY HAVE ONE FOOT, Y’ALL! i do what i can. It’s better to play with one foot (and not be perfect) than not at all!!!

Also… this song will always be timely.

i honestly like how James Hetfield puts it: He describes his musical relationship with Lars as one being of Lars as a frustrated guitar player, and he being the frustrated drummer. Jason Newsted also described Metallica as a ‘two-man garage band,’ something to that effect. The more i play to this music the better i begin to understand what they are talking about. Traditionally, the bass and drums tend to follow one another. But Lars ALWAYS follows James. ‘Fight Fire With Fire’ is a perfect example (out of many) of this occurring.

i decided to do a little challenge: play the Metal Hammer version of ‘Fight Fire’. After i was done, i wanted to cry. Their set from 1985’s Metal Hammer festival is in the top 3 of my favorite Metallica shows of all time. i messed up a few times but you know what? i did it. The fact that they did even FASTER versions of this song… i just can’t. Having performed live on stage a whole bunch of times, that adreniline definitely gets to you. But dang. To play that fast and not be sloppy (and yeah, sometimes they were) is a mean feat. To play that fast on bass with fingers… To play that fast with mostly downpicking… To play the skank beat and double kick that fast consistently…

Say what you want and will about this band. But playing these songs give me an even bigger amount of respect. The fact that they are able to laugh at their mistakes does the same.