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Metallica Fridays (no. 33): Meeting My Fears (no. 8,375)

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i once had a tattoo on my left leg that said ‘no fear’, surrounded by balloons.

About 19 years ago i was riding my bicycle (of course), and i had my neck cut by some kite string with balloons attached to it. If you’ve heard any of the stories that came out within the past year about people being injured (or worse) by random kite strings, then you know that kite string is no joke. i am grateful to have survived. As a result, i developed a fear of balloons.

i wanted to lose this fear, and the tattoo was a reminder of encouraging me to do so. As a result of my legs being messed up from being hit by a truck (which i am extremely grateful to have survived as well) i lost this tattoo. Coincidentally (or not) i began developing a whole other heap of fears. While it may be true that fear is simply representative of False Evidence Appearing Real; but suddenly becoming an amputee will probably do that to you on some level.

So now i have to start over and find my voice again.

As i’ve mentioned various times, Metallica has been a major soundtrack in this journey of starting over. The context of their music is quite different now, as a nearing 50 disabled adult whose life experience has now shifted, versus a young kid who was much more mobile with two legs. While my brain struggles to process various things (due to the accident i suppose), my brain is still functioning with dozens and dozens of thoughts and ideas all at once, and it’s frustrating that i can’t get them all out. i usually have something nearby where i can record my ideas (whether it’s paper or a recording device)- and a lot of times those ideas happen when i don’t have access to something, like i’m in the bathroom/shower, or if i’m in bed and don’t feel like getting up to get said things to record on.

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This 72 Seasons album has been incredibly helpful in terms of helping me access some of this creativity. It’s also been helpful in acknowledging that i still have a few fears i was unaware were still around.

This may be a pretty common fear- and it may sound strange to some folks that it’s one i have, given the amount of things i do on here- but one of the fears i do have is a fear of truly accessing my own creativity. i am not a great musician or singer, and i don’t particularly like the sound of my own voice; however, i love creating, so i do it. Creating is a means of survival. i create, but i’m always seeing something in it that makes me recoil, like i played a note weird, or that i’m not good enough.

And suddenly, the universe brings a wonderful song to us called ‘Room Of Mirrors’, the penultimate track on 72 Seasons. To me, ‘Room Of Mirrors’ works similar to ‘Purify’ (the penultimate track on the wonderful St. Anger), in that they both describe the process of truly opening yourself to be vulnerable to others, and breaking down every cell, every atom. To truly open yourself to others is one of the most difficult things to do. Even the most encouraging words sometimes sound like a criticism, either due to painful experiences that have shaped your life, or the voices inside your head telling you ‘no’.

In a mirrored room
Talking to myself
And the voices pushing back
I’ll let them inside my heart
But they’ll tear it all apart

In a mirrored room
Just a simple man
Naked, broken, beat, and scarred
What do I really know?
That fear of letting go

Letting go is scary. Your thoughts are going 250 miles a minute, and you write and record all of these ideas when you can (to the point where it’s even difficult to remember where you put them). You are blanketed by all of these ideas, but to actually put them out into the world is taking that blanket off, leaving you cold. But you need to get up and jog through the forest of your brain to keep warm.

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…And so it began, where we were sitting in the theater listening to the tracks of the album, in the global premiere. There were already songs i was familiar with (due to them being released as singles previously). With the new songs, i closed my eyes for much of it, and just took in the music. Not only is every single song a lyrical deep exploration (charting some of James Hetfield’s best), but so many of the songs are dripping in rich harmony… especially a song like ‘Room Of Mirrors’. As i sat in the theater, my brain immediately went there, with both James’ vocal melodies, as well as the guitars.

Over the course of this week i was messing around on the guitar, practicing one half of the guitarmony on the bridge of ‘Room Of Mirrors’, and a cover began to develop. As i mentioned earlier, i’m not the greatest musician, so a lot of times when i cover a song i do it either from memory, or inspired from portions of the source. i can only play to my own limitations, so i’m not going to play a song similar in style to Metallica, as i’m not great at palm muting, barre chords, pinch harmonics… or even guitar in general.

The foundation of this cover was actually the vocals. After i did those, i did drums, then bass, then guitars. The original song reminded me a bit of Bad Religion (one of my favorite punk bands of all time), which may be what truly endeared me to the song (beside its wonderful lyrics). When i began developing the cover, i kind of heard a ska punk rhythm in my head, mixed with the B52s. i cannot tell you why. i also am horrible at soloing, so i didn’t even attempt to for this song. The song stays pretty much in the solid ‘pop punk’ (?) realm, i guess, with some vocal harmonies- again, which i’m not great at. But…

…i am doing my best to face my fears. i am holding that mirror up to what scares me. That said, i am a survivor of things more scary than my terrible vocals.

Metallica Fridays (no. 28): Improving Upon The Source (Yet Again), Despite Limitations

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Yes, i know i am late again; it is a combination of organizing, plus working on other major projects (outside of this site). There’s also been the dreaded technical issue. One day i hope to have an acoustic drum set of my own…

The inevitable thing about electronic drums is that they become temperamental, especially after consistent use. They also do the best they can to mirror acoustic drums, but it’s clear you are hearing a machine. i am not complaining, because ultimately, having electronic drums are far better than never having had a set at all- and despite having played drums in several bands, i have never had a set of my own.

i haven’t had much of a chance to look into it, but sometimes the crash cymbal on the Alesis will randomly not completely read the trigger; and the latest thing that happened (in the middle of this most recent session) is that the snare is bouncing, as if it’s detached…. i suppose i could have skipped this week, but i figured i would try things out with an even bigger combination of the Octopad and the Alessis. Again, it is extremely clear i am playing some machines, but honestly, it could be worse.

Also, the main reason i decided to play this way is to challenge my brain. While i started out this site playing the Octopad, the muscle memory of playing on a replica of a traditional set messed me up, trying to play the Octopad again, in the same ways. It’s a really good challenge, especially since my post-accident brain retains information much differently than it used to. And this site of course is charting not only the progressions and joys, but the challenges and mistakes.

Which is why i continue to return to the musical source of inspiration for this site: ‘Blackened’. It’s my favorite Metallica song of all time, as well as the first Metallica song i ever learned on drums (which i’ve mentioned various times). i am absolutely obsessed with improving upon and evolving my way of playing it, more than any other song in the catalog- besides ‘Battery’.

i am gonna need people to stop attacking Lars. Like any of us, he should never be immune from critique, but this song IS NOT EASY TO PLAY. i’ve played to this song probably at least a hundred times… at least. And still, THE SONG IS NOT EASY TO PLAY. i definitely am not the greatest drummer in the world. i wouldn’t even place myself in the pantheon of ‘good’ drummers. i am just okay. But for a person who is passable on the drums, and plays a song like ‘Blackened’ with one leg (when that song essentially requires, like many of their songs, double bass)… it could be worse.

If you go back and look at the first time i played the song on this site, then look at this post; i have no qualms in saying my playing of the song improved. Is it perfect? Definitely not. i hear mistakes all over this thing. Is it better though? YES. If i had an acoustic set, i can guarantee that my playing would sound better. But alas, i currently live in an apartment. This song gives me great joy to play, and i am always inspired by Lars.

i have to also give props to Jason Newsted for writing the primary riff. i did mix the bass a little higher here (while i actually do love the dry sound of Justice it was nice to hear a bit more saturation in the track), and after doing that there were a couple of parts (and a certain bass swell) i actually did end up hearing in the mix on the officially released version. So while the bass was the recipient of minimal mixing (as it’s been on ALL Metallica releases prior to the 1990s) if you listened close enough you could actually hear it.

This next song was suggested by Bob Rock to be the band’s inaugural single of the 1990s, but Lars (who else?) voted against it- which was perhaps a wise choice, if they were looking to reach wider audiences. ‘Holier Than Thou’ would have most likely appealed to more hardcore metal(lica) fans, but it would not have, again, had the massive global impact as ‘Enter Sandman’ did.

‘Holier Than Thou’ (a Hetfield/Ulrich cowrite) is again, one of those songs the band can write in their sleep, and it just turns out great. It’s the type of song that doesn’t leave much to interpretation. Some folks see it as a sibling to ‘Leper Messiah’ (which is my second favorite track off Master Of Puppets). It’s also one of the shortest songs in their catalog.

Already frustrated by the technical issues, i wanted to still play this song (because it’s actually quite fun to play); but the snare setting i had it on (which fit more with the dryness of Justice) obviously did not work for the booming sound of The Black Album, no matter how much reverb i put on it. Lesson learned, lesson learned… The drums also occasionally sounded as if they had some sort of flanger effect on it, which is interesting.

i am also posting this because i didn’t want to skip two weeks of a post.

Yes.

There will be a posting break this coming week- well, not only to see if i can rectify any of these tech issues, but also because i will be going out of town to see the band these ‘Fridays’ posts are about.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…

Until then, please enjoy all the posts!

Metallica Fridays (no. 22): Don’t Tempt Me…

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Earlier in the day (at least where i live) i watched a livestream of Metallica headlining the Download Festival (formerly Donnington). They have played several of them over the years, most notably in 2004, when Lars was hospitalized right before the show, and Dave Lombardo, Joey Jordinson and Flemming Larsen sat in for him.

Speaking of… Here is what Jordinson (who is probably having a conversation with Larsen, Cliff Burton and John Bonham somewhere in space) had to say about Lars, in an interview with Metal Hammer magazine in 2016: “A lot of people give this guy shit, but they need to shut their fucking mouths because Lars Ulrich is probably one of the best and most innovative drummers ever. I got to tour with the guy and I watched him play every night from behind the kit, and his double bass was completely on point. He’s also one of the best businessmen that keeps this type of music going; he’s the heart of the whole fucking community, because Metallica are the kings. There’ll never be anybody that will match them, and Lars is a huge, huge part of that. Without that guy, and the influence of that band, I wouldn’t even be sitting here talking to you. Lars is one of my gods and he always will be. That guy fucking rules, period. So when I got the call asking if I’d fill in for him at Download festival, of course I knew everything because he’s one of my hugest influences. I remember playing to his shit all the time growing up and trying to be as good as him. Our technical abilities are way different but I’ll still never be as good as that guy, and getting to sit in his stool was one of the biggest fucking dreams come true. What an honor. I love that dude.”

You already know how i feel about Lars. While the experience and soundtrack of Metallica is what’s helped me tremendously through out this (still relatively new) journey as an amputee; it is Lars that has inspired me to do these drumming posts. And after playing to ‘The Judas Kiss’, i really don’t understand why people give the guy such a hard time. i understand that there have been things he’s done that are not immune from critique; but to totally say he’s a bad drummer makes no sense to me. There is no way Lars could arrange the songs in the way he does, with the mass variations in timing/signatures; if he was such a ‘bad drummer’. There’s no way he could be as in sync with James Hetfield as he is, if he was such a ‘bad drummer’. In learning to play these songs (in my own way, of course), it’s clear that he listens to the riffs, and creates narratives around that.

Up to this point, this song for some reason was the hardest for me to get through. There’s songs to me in the catalog that are actually harder, but for some reason i had a lot of trouble getting through this one. i definitely didn’t attempt to echo all of the rolls and fills done in the song. i’m not that great- which is why i ask again, why are people saying Lars is a ‘bad drummer’?

Either way, i hope i did alright.

‘The Judas Kiss’ is my favorite song on Death Magnetic, the follow-up release to the heavily polarizing (and heavily adored by me) St. Anger. The original/demo version (entitled ‘Gymbag’) was a bit slower, had some additional riffs, and a whole different set of lyrics, the best of them being ‘On your feet, or on your knees/Freedom is just one of these’. That definitely would have fit, but not as much as the finalized more powerful and menacing ‘Judas lives, recite this vow/I’ve become your new god now!’

There’s more than a few biblical references throughout Metallica’s catalog, just as there are veiled (and not-so-veiled) references to addiction. Generally, this song seems to have the (other) running theme of humans generally having the capacity in them to do evil things. Like Judas Iscariot (in the bible), despite being one of the 12 disciples, he was also faced with temptation. With that, he ratted Jesus out. You aim to do good in the world, and everything goes wrong. So what do you do? Your halo turns to fire.

Ah, Judas.

This song, the more i thought about it, made me think of the ending scene of the director’s cut of one of my favorite movies of all time, the 1986 version of Little Shop Of Horrors. Aside from the stark anticonsumerist message (which is why i love it), it’s visually stunning. In line with the theme of the song, Seymour (the main character) aimed to do good as well. He longed to save his romantic interest from an abusive relationship. He wanted the shop he worked at to stay afloat… but he made a deal in which the consequences not only changed his life, but every single person around him, both locally and remotely. It was a deal he could never escape.

So i did the Dark Side Of The Moon/Wizard Of Oz move, and did an experiment to see if things would work out.

And it fit perfectly.

Little Shop actually has another connection for me: When i just got out of the hospital, my cousin was my primary caretaker. She fed me, cleaned the commode, washed my clothes, and helped to change the dressings on my leg, when my legs still had major open wounds. Our life’s perspectives and ideologies were vastly different. However, one of the things we shared was our common love of Little Shop Of Horrors. She would come in, and we’d sing the songs, and recite the lines together. i will always cherish those moments.

i am posting two versions here: the one of me playing the song in full (where for some reason the camera decided to cut off towards the end), and the Little Shop version. i also recommend playing the scene to the actual song where Lars is playing.

i always love when the bass opens a Metallica song. It’s a good chance the song will be a head nodder. It’s just a groove.

Keeping up with today’s theme though (of biblical references and temptation and likely references to addiction), we’ve got ‘Devil’s Dance’ (from the other polarizing (and much adored by me)) album, ReLoad. As complicated as ‘Judas Kiss’ was for me, it was also nice to take a little break, and just chill.

i mean… who can hate this song? It’s got one of Hetfield’s best ever ‘YEAH’s in their whole catalog; The bass intros the song; it’s a perfect example of the drums communicating clearly with the rhythm guitar; the solo (as was common during this period) initially had minimal notes, then moved into those blues scales (which i always love), sounding both chaotic and smooth all at once.

One thing i do know: If you take a chance on this song, you WILL dance.

Metallica Fridays (no. 20): Five months of… You tell me!

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i’m gonna be honest: there was a point where i just wasn’t feeling it this week.

Depression can do that to you. It’s inexplicable. It comes and goes in quick waves sometimes; other times it takes up a mass load of space. When i’m feeling tired and unmotivated i have to closely watch myself, to make sure i’m not entering a crisis. When playing music is not helping (and it certainly wasn’t helping this week), i know i’m verging on the edge of trouble. When i’m there everything that normally seems okay to play, i can’t seem to mentally make connections. Nothing i play comes out right. Fortunately, it passed right as it was about to get to that edge. As i was recording for this week’s session, a lot of what i was feeling began to pass.

i can’t believe it’s been five months since i’ve started these posts. Five months in this journey of not only Metallica being part of the soundtrack of living and learning post amputation; it’s also been a journey of me working on being okay with just letting go and allowing myself to JUST PLAY. i maintain that listening to and experiencing Metallica prior to the accident is extremely different than it is now. To echo the words of a Mr. Hetfield- When it comes to be a soothing ride towards a new day, there was a semi truck that came my way.

The positive of that will always be a reacquaintance with the things i never knew i would return to in the ways they have… not only playing music, but also myself. And while depression is not something that miraculously goes away, i have become better at reading when the freight train (or the semi truck, if you will) is approaching.

With that, we’ll start with something that might actually feel like a freight train to folks… one of the worst pains in existence on this earth: a toothache. Not too many things will down you faster than a toothache. Apparently Cliff Burton may have been thinking the same thing, because he made a tune (supposedly) inspired by it.

And while i absolutely love playing the bass to Metallica songs, i in no way shape or form am at the level of a Cliff Burton, so i did not play ‘Anesthesia (Pulling Teeth)’. i did play drums to it though. The thing i love about this song is that the band decided to do a song with BASS AS THE PRIMARY INSTRUMENT, AND NO GUITAR on their first album.

No… even better. The DRUMS came in after a couple of minutes. Bass and drums- the two instruments people love to make fun of all the time.

‘Hardwired’ is quite fun to play. It was the last song written for the album bearing it’s name (Hardwired…. To Self Destruct), and it was once again, the band saying, “We don’t need to prove our chops to you, but once again, here you go. Now shut up and stop complaining how we ‘sold out’.” It was a great opener to a pretty emotionally devastating (at least to me) album.

And finally…

Come on. We had to get here eventually.

Yes, it is ‘Enter Sandman.’ Yes, it has been played to the point where everyone knows the song, whether or not they know the band who made it. As i’ve said several times though, there really is a difference between consuming a piece of music, and listening to a piece of music. ‘Enter Sandman’ really is a great song, in terms of its construction.

Thank you Kirk Lee Hammett for laying that groundwork. And thank you Bob Rock for encouraging the lyrical changes. ‘Disrupt the perfect family’ honestly is not as powerful as the contrast of Never Never Land and nighttime prayers, with nightmares and the sandman. Given that Metallica have also prided themselves on writing songs where the lyrics are open for interpretation, a song’s subject matter as specific as crib death honestly would not have worked as well, especially given the content of the other songs on the album. i don’t think ‘Harvester Of Sorrow’ pt. 2 would have worked.

i did switch it up a bit. Inspired by the switch-up of ‘The Unforgiven’, i half timed the verses, while the chorus (which was originally half speed) went in the other direction. Interestingly (but maybe not surprising to some), it gave the song a little bit more of a ‘Southern rock’ reading.

(This post is dedicated to Carly, who has helped me tremendously in dealing with some mental stuff. Thanks for the connection.)

Metallica Fridays (no. 19): Looking Beyond The Riff…

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Even though i’ve written songs over the years (and continue to), i never exactly focused on the construction of a song in the ways i do now. Doing these challenges has given me a bigger insight into it all. It has also led me to think even more how one doesn’t have to know how to play music in order to critique it; however, i think the critique would most likely look a whole lot different if they did. It’s not easy to construct a song, and while i don’t think it’s necessary to like every song on the planet i am beginning to have a bit more general kindness for people who take the time to do it.

i am not playing these songs in the ‘traditional’ way they tend to be covered (not only because i’m an amputee, but i’m also not that great in comparison to those who play this music), but doing this really has given me a much bigger appreciation for Metallica’s music- and music in general. Eight months ago, if you told me i’d be playing ‘Blackened’ i would have laughed at you.

Is it better to play it in your own way (making lots of mistakes along the way) and find your groove until you finally hit a point where it feels right; or is it better to complain that you aren’t getting it ‘right’, and not play at all? For someone who’s not that great at drumming (again, in comparison to the many who play to this type of music) to be on the 19th week of learning, practicing and covering Metallica songs… i’d say that is an accomplishment i’d never thought i would see.

i enjoy doing this every week; it’s incredibly healing, and it helps take my mind off of the more traumatic things happening in my life. Doing this is incredibly humbling. This was the first week though, where i’m really starting to just let go and truly embrace it all. i’m calculating it via ‘spiritual math’ (as Clint Wells of Metal Up Your Podcast tends to say) when i choose which songs i’m going to cover each week. Honestly, the songs choose me. The more i do this, there are songs i begin to connect with in ways i hadn’t before.

‘Am I Savage’ is one of those songs.

It’s actually one of my favorite songs in the Metallica catalog. That said, though (of course) i listened to it enough for it to be one of my favorites, i never LISTENED to it until doing it for this post. People focus on that amazing riff (you know which one i’m talking about), but really, it’s an incredibly haunting, moving song. On the surface it can be interpreted as another one of those ‘werewolf/maybe Ktulu’-type songs. On the musical tip, the opening riff reminds me of something Duane Denison would play, merged with the obvious Sabbath influence. Lyrically is where it hits a bit deep.

Say hello to junior dad
The greatest disappointment
Age withered him and changed him
Into junior dad
Psychic savagery

‘Junior Dad’.

This is exactly what i thought about when actually listening to ‘Am I Savage’. ‘Junior Dad’, the almost 20-minute final song on the much maligned Lulu, the collaboration the band made with Lou Reed. While the lyrics (inspired by German playwright Frank Wedekind’s ‘Lulu’ play cycle) had some questionable things on occasion, i love the music. That said, ‘Junior Dad’ is an incredibly moving piece, and it is one i return to.

In the piece, the narrator laments the fact that he sees his father- a man who despised him- in himself. ‘Am I Savage’, to me, holds a similar theme. The video accompanying the song involves a man becoming more and more distant from his family, coworkers and other surroundings… and eventually himself. Like much of the Metallica oeuvre, there are various songs- some veiled and some not so veiled- regarding familial relationships and addiction. Instead of the desired connection with nature of ‘Of Wolf And Man’ for instance, is the “savage… scratching at the door” the “dog at (the) back step” from ‘Low Man’s Lyric’?

Is the beauty the high, and the beast the withdrawal?

Inheritance, the past has bit again

James Hetfield has been very open about his father leaving at the age of 13, and his mother’s passing at 16. In the documentary Absent, he addressed the roots of his struggles with alcohol addiction, where he “masked feelings of abandonment.” He also spoke about utilizing particular tools of eschewing emotion, in order to deal with said abandonment, since everyone he loved tended to leave. It was an “easy way to not get close to anybody.”

I feel,
The ever changing, you, in me

You saw a little bit of the patterns in Some Kind Of Monster, where he describes celebrating his son’s first birthday in Russia, hunting bears and loading up on vodka for fuel. It got to the point where his wife made an ultimatum, a move Hetfield says saved his life.

He also acknowledges a particular “integrity” that comes with closing yourself off; however, he also says that “most of it is the shield.” On the vagueness of lyrics (despite them also being personal), he says that people are going to “relate to the struggle, and know that there’s someone out there helping speak about this.”

Beauty and the Beast are colliding

While i definitely do play instruments i don’t identify as a musician. It was only within the past few years where i identified as a writer, despite writing for decades. While that riff (yes, that riff) is one of their greatest, it’s the words i connect with the most here, having struggled with some of the same things- with an alcoholic mother, emotionally absent/narcissist stepfather, people dear to me leaving this earth, and closing myself off to people due to fear of rejection.

Transforming into the people you worked hard to escape is scary.

Speaking of words… the next song for this post has only been performed once (in London, UK (August 20, 1987) while ‘Am I Savage’ has been performed zero times (!!!)). ‘Crash Course In Brain Surgery’ stays faithful to the skeleton of the Budgie original, but of course it’s done in the Metallica way- it’s got twice the fills (where the OG only has about a couple), the singing got left out of the bridge (similar to ‘Breadfan’), and while Burke Shelley (who physically transitioned over the past year) does end the song with a few ‘Yeahs,’ it pales in comparison to what James does, which to me is second best only to ‘Fuel’ in all of the band’s catalog. The whole song is great (as is Budgie’s original) but sometimes i just replay that ‘Yeah Yeah… YEAH YEAH!’ over and over… and over.

‘Fight Fire With Fire’ (performed only 339 times- last on May 12, 2022 at Belo Horizonte, Brazil)) is absolute proof that i’m not a musician. i have absolutely no idea what i’m doing technically, but i did what felt decent (at least for now). The funny thing about all this is that when i isolated the drums i did, the way the song is SUPPOSED to be (on the up beat as opposed to the down beat) made more sense. i didn’t change the pattern at all, but when i was playing with the song (and when i would listen to all tracks) the drums would constantly mentally flip back and forth consistently. Despite me not switching patterns, flipping them in my head actually helped me get through the song. As anyone who reads this blog knows, i am a major fan of rhythmic illusions. So of course this is one of my favorites of the band. i am trying to imagine how a bunch of 21, 22-year olds sat and wrote a song like this. The song totally messes you up, structurally, trying to play it. It has to be one of two things: (a. Cliff Burton (who co-wrote the song (and was the primary influence of the intro) used his knowledge of music theory and composition to help craft the songs, or (b. the dudes (for the most part) ultimately had no idea what they were doing in terms of structure, and they were just going on adrenaline and did something until it sounded great.

i know that Lars’ long-time drum tech Flemming Larsen (who recently left this earth) did give him some drum lessons around this time. So perhaps that was a contribution to the construction of this song. However it happened, ‘Fight Fire With Fire’ is definitely one of the greatest album intros of all time.

And of course i can’t keep apologizing for doing no double bass on these tracks… I ONLY HAVE ONE FOOT, Y’ALL! i do what i can. It’s better to play with one foot (and not be perfect) than not at all!!!

Also… this song will always be timely.

i honestly like how James Hetfield puts it: He describes his musical relationship with Lars as one being of Lars as a frustrated guitar player, and he being the frustrated drummer. Jason Newsted also described Metallica as a ‘two-man garage band,’ something to that effect. The more i play to this music the better i begin to understand what they are talking about. Traditionally, the bass and drums tend to follow one another. But Lars ALWAYS follows James. ‘Fight Fire With Fire’ is a perfect example (out of many) of this occurring.

i decided to do a little challenge: play the Metal Hammer version of ‘Fight Fire’. After i was done, i wanted to cry. Their set from 1985’s Metal Hammer festival is in the top 3 of my favorite Metallica shows of all time. i messed up a few times but you know what? i did it. The fact that they did even FASTER versions of this song… i just can’t. Having performed live on stage a whole bunch of times, that adreniline definitely gets to you. But dang. To play that fast and not be sloppy (and yeah, sometimes they were) is a mean feat. To play that fast on bass with fingers… To play that fast with mostly downpicking… To play the skank beat and double kick that fast consistently…

Say what you want and will about this band. But playing these songs give me an even bigger amount of respect. The fact that they are able to laugh at their mistakes does the same.

INXS!!!

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If you’ve read anything on this site (hopefully you do read the posts!) you already know i’m not a huge fan of pop music in general. i’m not referring to music that is popular- that would make little sense, since my favorite artist is Michael Jackson. i also make Metallica-related posts every week. i could be wrong; it just seems to me that the genre of ‘pop’ tends to not particularly take risks. A particular artist could be quite good. However, if said artist is deemed ‘the one’, the industry attempts to oversell that particular sound.

There was a time though, when ‘pop music’ took more risks with their catchy hooks, thereby making radio more diverse than it certainly is today. Australia-based INXS was one of those bands.

Initially, their influences stylistically appeared to be ska, post punk and ‘pub punk’ bands and artists like XTC, Ian Dury and Lena Lovich (and other bands on Stiff Records); and so-called ‘new wave’. They were also coming of age artistically with (the also located in Australia) Nick Cave. Like many bands, they shifted musically into a more ‘pop’ territory. While for all intents and purposes they were still a rock band; and while you in some ways heard some of their original inspirations pop in once in a while, they began to pick up more cues from classic soul and R&B.

While songs like ‘Need You Tonight’ crossed over into the hood, the first INXS song i ever heard was two years earlier: ‘This Time’ (from 1985’s Listen Like Thieves). i remember liking the song, but it wasn’t until a few years later as an early teenager when i became totally obsessed with them.

Yup. i was a burgeoning punk kid, and i was absolutely in love with INXS.

Despite being ‘rock stars’ they didn’t seem that way to me… even with Michael Hutchence as the front man. Yeah, he totally played up the ‘sex symbol’ thing… but they all just seemed like awkward, regular dudes to me. They were huge, but they weren’t bombastic. They played anthems, but they weren’t anthemic.

And they crafted some massively good songs, but didn’t take themselves too seriously.

My favorite INXS song of all time is ‘Horizons’; it became my favorite song of theirs from the moment i heard it years ago on cassette. It’s the first time i recognized a song being written in the way that was written. You could randomly pick a song out of their catalog, and chances are you will like it: ‘Don’t Change’, ‘Communications’, ‘Shine Like it Does’, ‘In Vain’, ‘The Stairs’, ‘Johnson’s Aeroplane’… It was really difficult to choose which songs to do for this post. While their ‘hits are just as great i definitely wanted to focus on their lesser-known songs for the most part.

Like (Minneapolis’) Mint Condition, INXS were a pretty self-contained band. Consisting of Garry Gary Beers (one of the greatest bass players- ever. Both he and Graham Maby are severely underrated), Andrew Farriss (primary songwriter/composer and keys/guitar), Kirk Pengilly (guitar and saxophone), Michael Hutchence (vocals and lyrics- and fan of Anthrax!), Jon Farriss (drums) and Tim Farriss (guitar); for 20 years (until the physical departure of Hutchence), all original founding members were together, since their birth in 1977- originally called the Farriss Brothers.

To begin this musical trip through INXS world, we’ll begin with their first single, released in 1980: ‘Simple Simon’/’We Are the Vegetables’. The clear punk influences are there. Anyone familiar with their later material might find this to be surprising. Of course, the burgeoning punk kid in me was VERRRRY pleased to hear this.

‘Guns In The Sky’ (from 1987’s Kick) is to me, one of the greatest album openers of all time. A response to the Reagan Administration’s Strategic Defense Initiative, the music video (which exists despite it not being a single) flashed ‘SDI’ randomly on the screen. The song is a rightful critique of the u.s. government’s allocation of resources to everything but what it should be going to- which is, assuring the masses’ basic material needs are met.

The drum in the original song is built around a Roland 707; i used the Alessis (and not the Octapad) for this one, so (obviously) the drums are not as booming. i did keep Hutchence’s vocals (because i can’t sing like that!), and played guitar and bass, in addition to the drums. It sounded more like a garage version than the (again) booming anthem it is (smiles).

‘What Would You Do’ (from Underneath The Colours) is another one of my absolute top favorites from the band. In the pocket for the most part, it’s got one of my favorite bass lines in an INXS song. i also love the nod to ‘Stay Young’ (also on the album) as well.

We will take a detour back to the band’s first (self-titled) album, with ‘Jumping’, another one of my favorites. This song is perfect- the bouncy bass, the horn accents (why don’t pop bands have horns anymore??!!), the touch of two tone ska, the guitar being utilized in the verse as a melody with Hutchence’s vocals, the spacey keys, the half-time drums… i love this era of music, with its the post punk disco and ska influences.

Finally, we have a song which is perhaps one of their most beloved- ‘Mystify’. i woke up with this song in my head, so after i got up i started singing it- i wanted to do it just a capella, but it didn’t feel right. i started messing around on the piano, and that didn’t feel right either. Something else was going on in my head. i started messing around on the bass, and i started hearing a beat in my head. It ended up being a sludge rock-influenced half time ditty (with a tiny, tiny bit of tiny tiny discordance (smiles)), as opposed to the bounciness of the original.

i know i’m not that great of a singer- but i do it anyway. i like to sing. Not being that great at singing is a nice feeling, when you’ve survived being hit by a truck.

Metallica Fridays (no. 17): Throw Ice Into The Fire, And Watch It Damage Your Fears

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So… wow. i have a lot of feelings around James Hetfield’s recent comments in Brazil. Every week on these ‘Metallica Fridays’ posts i talk about ‘getting out of my head’ and learning to embrace my mistakes as a way of further understanding the journey… and here he is at the age of 58, openly discussing his anxieties and insecurities around no longer being able to play in the same ways he once did. i wrote my feelings on his speech here; one thing i did not say though, is that if his concerns are around not being able to play well, many would absolutely disagree. There are many who have had harsh critiques for the band for years, who are coming out and saying they’ve been playing better than ever. While none of us could ever know the full extent of what James Hetfield is going through, one thing we can all say is that, unless something happens to really affect his motor skills (God willing that does not happen), he is in no danger of putting on no less of a great performance.

As private a person as he is, being open in where he’s at mentally is significant in that his words may have saved someone’s life- including his own. As a person who lives with depression, his words around mental health (as well as the Load, ReLoad and St. Anger albums specifically) always resonate with me.

i’ve said this elsewhere, and i’ll say it again here: i think 58-year old James Hetfield is cool. And i’m sure at 59, 60 and beyond he will be just as cool.

Don’t let the demons take hold of the Heaven in your head…

Doing the posts for this site- and the Metallica posts specifically- have been helping me pull through the struggle in many ways: the struggles of this ‘new’ life as an amputee; the struggle of learning not to be as frustrated with my mistakes; of learning to let go. The struggle of actually taking in new ways of listening to music. The music experience is very different as a person having to learn how to play the songs, versus simply listening to it. And sometimes that is frustrating, because it seems like you can never get it ‘right’. The point SHOULD be though, that you are playing it in your own way, versus copying what you hear. Given that i am physically limited in how i, for instance, play drums, i have begun to find that i do have a particular style… and that is interesting to see. i just aim to be as respectful as possible to all artists. Even if it’s just me seeing these posts, i know that it’s helping. If others see these posts and it helps them, it’s even better.

…And since i mentioned the album earlier, i think we will start with ‘Attitude’, from ReLoad. It makes me laugh that people always get on Lars for that scene in Some Kind Of Monster (including Kirk and James), when he’s trying to counter the ‘stock’ (according to him) riff with a particular drum pattern… when dude is a MASSIVE fan of rhythmic illusions. As am i. All their albums have them. i’m not sure if it’s because of the few (in comparison to others) lessons he’s had over the years, so he has little technical knowledge, and sees these patterns in his head. Lars adding an extra beat (or coming in a half step beforehand) is very common, and learning how to play to Metallica songs throws off many a more ‘traditional’ drummer.

i will always love Lars for this. There is no one like him.

To me, ‘Attitude’ is an example of this. When i first heard the song i was like, ‘Whut? Wait. i…’ The difference between this song and some others is, Lars counts off on the 2, so you get a little help in knowing where to start. Some of the other songs just blast off, and you’re like, ‘Wait- is he starting on the 2 or the 3??!!’ i’m not that good at counting beats and measures (as y’all probably see with some of the glaring mistakes i’ve made in these posts- HA!), so i do it all by just listening to the song, and going there.

So i think the kick started (a little early) on the 1, and the snare/crash combination started at 2. Then when the song kicks in, it starts on 2. Is my count correct?

i mean, i play music but i’m not a musician. That’s probably safe to say.

All i know is that i’m glad Load and ReLoad exist. To me, those albums encompassed the ‘bigness’ of the Black Album sound, but in terms of subject matter and arrangement it was an evolution.

Here we return to what was my favorite Metallica album for 30 years- until Load knocked it out of that spot… Master Of Puppets! It amazes me that people so young can make such complex music. i highly doubt you would have had an album like Load, if Lars and James never approached Cliff Burton. He was a major inspiration for the evolution in their sound. Would they have remained strictly a thrash or NWOBHM-inspired band, had they not met him? Would there have been just straight shredding for every single song? Perhaps. We will never know though. What we DO know (again) is that Cliff brought to the band some invaluable elements.

…Including the classic intros. Whether it’s ‘Damage Inc.’ (which i play to here), ‘Blackened’, ‘To Live Is To Die’, ‘Fight Fire With Fire’, ‘That Was Just Your Life’, ‘Fixxxer’ or other favorites… all of those are clear nods to Cliff Burton’s influence. So of course Cliff deserved the intro. After all, it’s him playing the intro.

Metallica definitely are one of the best in knowing how to sequence and bookend albums.

Aaaaaaaaand… even though ‘Blackened’ is my favorite Metallica song of all time, my current favorite song (because there is a difference) is ‘Trapped Under Ice’. ‘Trapped’ was one of my wishes for the 40th shows- AND THEY DID IT. i lost my voice as a result, screaming so loud as those opening chords played, then singing along.

This song involves one of my least favorite things in the whole world- being cold, and one of my greatest fears- being trapped. Snow is one of my top ten favorite things in the whole world, but i absolutely hate being cold. i have also been trapped before. One of my top 3 greatest fears in the whole world was also being hit by a truck, and i actually survived that. Can i survive being trapped under ice? i doubt it.

The bass (unsurprisingly) was recorded so low so i had to figure out for myself how to play it, without any cues from Mr. Burton. i played a bunch of root notes (of course!), and added a bit of harmony. i did end up seeing a few bass covers of the song- most covers of this song are on guitar- but every single person played it their own way, playing mostly with the guitar. My guess is that it’s because you can hardly hear the original, unless you remixed it to make the bass louder (which is what i actually did with ‘Damage Inc.’).

A block of ice made a guest appearance here… They never left their name though.

This One’s For The Grrrls…

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i was sitting around thinking one day (when does that NOT happen, right?) about the numbers of women who inspired me- the multi-instrumentalists, the composers, arrangers… The women who rejected the notions of what they should do, and how to be. The ones who laid the foundation for not only me, but all the kids who today and yesterday who have been marginalized (by gender, class or culture).

i wanted to make a post honoring these women, but it was difficult to know where to start. Do i start with Betty Davis? Phyllis Hyman? Teena Marie? Alice Coltrane? LaBelle? Chaka Khan? Marlena Shaw? Randy Crawford? Angela Bofill? Rachelle Ferrell? Memphis Minnie? Do i go with Mother’s Finest? Silverfish? DQE? ESG? Skunk Anansie? To make it a little easier i narrowed it down to all-women bands. And still, that’s not easy… because you have everything from Girlschool to Fanny to The Runaways to Big Joanie to Cub to the 5,6,7,8s to L7 to the Bangles to The Go-Gos to Luscious Jackson to The Raincoats to The Slits to (two of my favorite current bands, Voice Of Baceprot and The Warning)… you get the picture.

So i narrowed it down a bit more… and it ended up developing into creating a longer post then usual.

i think i’ll start with ‘Catnip Dream’ by Shonen Knife, because cats are the GREATEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. They have other cat songs as well, ‘I Am A Cat’ and ‘Like A Cat’. If you make a number of songs about cats, i automatically like you.

(And of course, my hat is actually applicable here.)

Slant 6 was one of my favorite bands from the ’90s. They were only around for three or four years. In those years i saw them live about 2 or 3 times, and even interviewed them for a fanzine i was doing at the time.

To me, ‘Don’t You Ever’ (from Soda Pop * Rip Off) is one of the greatest album openers. i am just playing drums here. ‘Semi-Blue Tile’ was the b-side of the ‘What Kind Of Monster Are You’ 7″. For this song, Christina Billotte’s vocals remain, but i play bass, drums and guitar.

The Lunachicks was one of the funnest shows i have ever seen… and they made a love song to Mabel King. Perhaps the ONLY love song to Mabel King!

It was interesting to edit and look back on this series of videos, because i tend to forget about being covered neck to foot in tattoos (despite seeing them every day). i don’t wear shorts a lot (outside of the time i’m practicing with the prosthetic), so it was funny to see my leg bouncing up and down with the kick drum, with all the visual tattoos and scars. i also forgot the shirt i was wearing has a hole, so you can see a peek of my rib piece (if you look close enough- of course, that rib piece has to do with cats). Outside of forgetting my own canvas, i absolutely love and am obsessed with people who are covered- especially women. So seeing the Lunachicks makes me very happy.

i’m playing drums to the title track to the album Jerk Of All Trades. This song goes after my heart, because i’ve had to punch a few dudes for touching me without my consent.

Speaking of never underestimating a woman… Klymaxx wants to inform you to never underestimate our power.

Before they gained popularity with songs like ‘The Men All Pause’, ‘Meeting In The Ladies Room’, ‘I Miss You’ and ‘Divas Need Love Too’, they were more of funk band. Solar Records had some gems, for sure. Before i was a burgeoning punk kid, Klymaxx was the first all-women band i recall being familiar with, by name. Maybe even before the Bangles and the Go-Gos.

i am playing to the title track of the album, Never Underestimate The Power Of A Woman. i know my drumming isn’t as funky or in the pocket as Bernadette Cooper (who co-wrote the song), but i obviously aim to be respectful.

Another band i have seen live (and if you’ve ever seen them you will not forget it) is Tribe 8. A few of the members currently identify as trans; however i still am posting one of their songs because during the existence of Tribe 8 they all did identify as women (and if i am wrong about that, i apologize). Tribe 8 had no qualms about pointing out the intersections of oppression (i think having band members comprise of Indigenous, African and Asian folks helps), and they were unapologetic in their queerness. Also, they are incredibly cool people. At least they were when i met them.

The song i am playing to here, ‘Republican Lullaby’, speaks to the pro-militarism, jingoism, xenophobia, disinformation campaigns and racism/white supremacy permeating the republican party (in the u.s.); i would argue though, that these lyrics should extend to democrats as well. If you pay attention close enough to the policies (and not these low hanging fruit issues they want you to focus on) you will find little difference between the two.

One of the most well-known groups coming out of the Riot Grrrl movement was Bratmobile. They were a band who used humor to relay messages around sexual violence, racism, and more. i ended up forming a pen pal/friendly relationship with guitarist Erin Smith (who was living in Maryland, if i’m not mistaken). Whenever they came to town i would see her, and hang out a bit.

Bratmobile remind me a bit of the Misfits- tonally, not visually. They actually did cover ‘Where Eagles Dare’, so i may not be too far off. Here, i play to ‘Brat Girl’, which was probably an anthem for many a punk girl (or boy, or agender person) who got groped at a show, or taken advantage of in other ways. There’s no bassist in the most well-known incarnation of the band, so i decided to experiment with what that would sound like here (as well as (obviously) play drums).

And finally, i decided to play one of my own songs- a song i haven’t played since i was about 17 or 18 years old. In fact, it’s a song you can hear in the very first post i made for this site.

As mentioned in that post, i was in a band called The Girlymen. It was the first band i was ever in, with Mayumi (drums), and Abby (bass). i honestly have no idea what most of the lyrics are to this song (save for the title: ‘Chock Full Of Crap’), so i kept Abby’s original vocals, and just played guitar, bass and drums. i need to see if SHE remembers!

And yeah, i am using a China cymbal. Oh no… i really AM turning into Lars!

It always comes back to that, don’t it? Hee hee…

Metallica Fridays (no. 16): How i am learning to stop worrying, and just love Metallica

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Every time i do these posts i get a weekly reminder to get out of my own head. i make a ton of mistakes, but that is what happens when you are learning. i have to remember that i am also getting better. That goes for my experience in using the prosthetic, as well as playing music.

i love watching better players than me cover Metallica. As professionals (or at least people with some level of expertise) they are able to capture the nuances, way more than i can. They can properly do the double kick of ‘One’, ‘Fight Fire With Fire’ or ‘Hero Of The Day’. They understand the mechanics of a b-bender, or they effortlessly play the perfect trills on a precision bass. While i am not there yet, i know the music enough to play with a particular feeling, as opposed to the exact technical ability.

As i keep saying, the fact that i even took that next step to even attempt to play their music is a huge personal deal.

In playing drums, i also clearly understand one ting more and more: the relationship Lars has with James, as players. It becomes so clear how much Lars follows the rhythm guitar, and vice versa. It’s pretty hard to focus (especially during the live performances) when the lead is playing, so i have to focus extra hard on what the rhythm and bass are doing.

One of the bigger examples of this is ‘Battery’. When Kirk plays the solo i had to focus on James. i also love the dynamic between the band in that, when one of them is behind or out front, they easily catch up through particular cues. People tend to take issues with Kirk’s improvisation during shows (‘Why does he never play the solo like the album’ and so forth); and while it seems as if he’s in his own world (and sometimes makes mistakes) the man catches up, and is on time.

i remember being 15 years old and wanting nothing more than to see ‘Battery’. On the encore of the December 3, 1991 show in Buffalo, NY i got my wish. i really hope that it is something i see again, before i leave this earth. They are playing it more album speed these days, but the song is no less powerful. As with many of the older songs, i love the mature readings of them. The band has long since (except for Lars) left the Bay Area, but the spirit of Battery Street lives on forever.

The Seattle ’89 show is beloved, and is usually at the pinnacle of favorite shows in the Metallica fan community. However, this show is not in my top 3. The May 31, 2015 show in Munich (Germany), The 40th Anniversary shows, and the Metal Hammer show in 1985 are. The screams James gives out during ‘Battery’ though (from the Seattle show, which i am playing to here) makes the song one of my favorite live ones of all time.

Just like with ‘Blackened’ i wanted to challenge myself in terms of speed. This song is not easy to play, especially with the the time shifts. Playing that live? Whoo boy.

i came in a bit late after the break and rushed a bit, but got caught up. The thing i am most happy with is that i got the fill (without the double kick, obviously) before the final chorus. That fill is my favorite fill of Lars’ of all time. i also (subconsciously) added in another Lars’ type fill. Guess where that one is!

Many many posts ago i played to the OG ‘Green Hell’ (one of my two favorite Misfits songs). This time i’m playing to Metallica’s cover, which is slightly faster, as well as having different lyrics. My other wish before i leave this earth is that they SERIOUSLY play ‘Run To The Hills’ in full, instead of always messing around and playing the wrong notes on purpose (like they do at the end of Garage Days, as well as during live performances). The opening riff to that song is my favorite metal riff of all time; i don’t care how overplayed it is. Also, they have only played ‘Green Hell’ 11 times. i also hope, before i leave this earth, they play it alone, without Last Caress’- a song i’m not really that fond of.

Like Issac Hayes or Luther Vandross, Metallica takes a cover and makes it their own.

The St. Anger fanboi returns… It seems like more and more people are beginning to understand the greatness that is St. Anger, as the band is beginning to play other songs from it than ‘Frantic’ or the title track. They seem to be giving ‘Dirty Window’ some love, after the positive reception it received after the 40th anniversary show…. because they played it as well on this recent Sudamérica tour (in BRAZIL no less, where someone gave birth during ‘Enter Sandman’. Papa Het ended up calling the parents). They have played the song a total of 33 times. Obviously this gives me great joy, and hope that they will bring some more out.

‘Purify’ anyone?

The more i play to this music (mistakes and all), the more i appreciate this band.

Metallica Fridays (no. 13): Still Making Sense Of Death And Anger

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Much of the time, the songs i choose for each week’s Metallica posts have a lot to do with where i’m at mentally at that time, or if the songs are relative to a particular experience. There are also plenty of times i wake up with random songs of theirs in my head.

The morning of making music for this post i woke up earlier than usual, with not only ‘Invisible Kid’ in my brain, but a particular arrangement of it in my head. i couldn’t go back to sleep, so i got out the guitar and began playing what was in my head, over and over… The tiredness hit me, so i went back to bed.

As the day went on, the song shifted into a whole other energy. i decided to use the drums as the foundation, and work around that. The energy of the end result actually ended up sounding more similar to Joy Division or The Cure than what i played in the morning.

The journey of songwriting…

i tried to sing the song in the original key (which is what i initially played on guitar). But that was painful to hear. i’m already not that great of a singer (but i do it anyway). So i guess i’m an alto or a contralto or something? i have no idea.

If you’ve been paying attention, you know that i am a St. Anger fanboi. i appreciate it not only for its representation of a band struggling to find peace with itself in some way- creatively, mentally and spiritually; it’s also an album in which the subject matter is heavily identifiable to me. The album is an experience in catharsis.

i was that ‘invisible kid’ growing up. i was the shy, quiet kid that kept a lot of things inside, until they sometimes boiled over. Like a lot of kids in this predicament i had friends and hung out, and hid a lot of my feelings- until, again, they sometimes boiled over. i wanted love, but didn’t necessarily know how to receive it. Sometimes i’ve pushed people away by showing love in overwhelming ways. i can talk extensively and excitedly about particular things; however, to this day, when people ask me how i’m feeling i struggle with that, and don’t always know how to answer… so i am most likely to give short answers. i always need to be checking in with people, but sometimes the simplest questions seem intrusive, even when they’re not.

The push/pull the invisible kid experiences is very real… “I’m OK, just go away… but please don’t stray too far.”

(All instruments and vocals are by me.)

A few times in 2006 (in the midst of working on Death Magnetic), the band did live performances of ‘The New Song’ (aka ‘Death Is Not The End’). Of course, the various riffs heard in this working version ended up being portions of various songs officially released on the upcoming album, released in 2008- most notably, ‘All Nightmare Long’ and ‘End Of The Line’. It’s always exciting to see them perform new, unfinished and rare material.

Double kick is all over this song (what’s new?); and of course i only have one foot, so i had to work with what i got. People also might look at this song as not being the most difficult to play (and it’s definitely not the most difficult in their repertoire); however, it’s got that ‘Lars timing’ all over it. There’s a number of parts you have to remember.

i love the songs this working title developed into. i also love this unfinished version. Metallica’s songs speak an awful lot about death, but it’s not always about physical death. i didn’t think about it a lot prior to the accident. After it happened , their music helped me make sense of a lot that was going on, and helped in learning to truly make sense of death- of relationships, of particular feelings… of a leg.

Death really is not the end. Death must occur to give birth to a whole new consciousness.

‘The Unnamed Feeling’ is a tough one for me. The lyrics describe every single thing i’ve been through at various periods in my life.

i hate living with depression. i love myself and am grateful for life, but sometimes my brain just snaps and i either desire to, or attempt to end it all. i hate it. i don’t wish this on anyone.

i can’t convince people to love St. Anger as much as i do; i understand why people sincerely do hate it. But the album is a very healing one for me.

(Interestingly, the camera decided to fall during this song. i kept it anyway.)